


Fight On, Fighter

by wouldbflat



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV)
Genre: Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Alex Mercer Needs a Hug (Julie and The Phantoms), Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Character Study, Christian Alex Mercer, Christianity, Coming Out, Gen, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, Panic Attacks, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pre-Canon, Scripture References
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-15
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-13 06:39:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28773969
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wouldbflat/pseuds/wouldbflat
Summary: From the time he was five years old, Alex had known something was a little different about his family. While the other kids in his kindergarten class raved about how much fun they’d had over the weekend, Alex kept to himself the memories of sitting in the basement of their church, listening to Pastor Rob tell stories.Or: A pre-canon fic/character study that follows Alex through his younger years and his experiences with his faith, especially after he realizes he's gay.
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer & Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer (Julie and The Phantoms) & Original Character(s)
Comments: 14
Kudos: 44





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Small Things](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5042632) by [wowbright](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wowbright/pseuds/wowbright). 



> Hello all! I love the idea of Alex's parents being super Christian, but I also like the idea of him growing up in the faith. I wanted Alex to keep and stay strong in his faith, even after he realized he's gay. Unfortunately, a lot of Christians are strongly against homosexuality, and I hate that their angry voices are the loudest ones. But not all Christians are homophobic, and being straight is not a requirement to believe in God. 
> 
> I am a Christian and a lesbian, so this is also just me projecting onto Alex. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy, and I don't own anything. 
> 
> Title is from For King and Country's 'Fight On, Fighter.'

From the time he was five years old, Alex had known something was a little different about his family. While the other kids in his kindergarten class raved about how much fun they’d had over the weekend, Alex kept to himself the memories of sitting in the basement of their church, listening to Pastor Rob tell stories.

It wasn’t a bad difference, but Alex was aware that almost none of the kids in his class had to spend 2 hours on a Sunday morning inside a stuffy room.

Sitting at the kitchen table doing his coloring homework, Alex decided to ask his mother about it. Swinging his legs, he said, “Mommy? Why do we always have to go to church on Sundays?” His mom set down the pot she was washing and sat next to him at the table. 

“Well,” his mother started. “Do you remember what Pastor Rob tells you about?”

Alex nodded. He was a very good listener. “He tells stories from the Bible! Like how Moses parted the sea and Eve gave the apple to Adam and-”

“Very good!” His mother cut him off, and Alex beamed at the praise. “We go to church to learn about God, and all that he’s done for us.”

Alex nodded, thinking. “But why don’t the other kids in my class go?”

“Some people just don’t believe in God, sweetie.” She chuckled at seeing Alex’s wide eyes. “I know, and I feel sad for them. But part of the reason we learn so much about God is so that we can share his love with other people.”

“But how can we tell them if they don’t believe in God?” 

“What do you think you can do?”

Alex sat, thinking. He still couldn’t believe that his friends didn’t believe in God! “Can I bring Timmy to church with us?”

“That’s a great idea, honey. I’ll have to ask his parents.”

“Okay Mommy! I’m going to go draw him a picture so he knows how much fun it is!”

“That sounds wonderful! But, Alex?”

“Yeah?”  
  


“Just remember, his mommy might say no. I don’t want you to get your hopes up, okay?”

“Okay Mommy! If she says no, I’ll just tell him all about it!”

He beamed at his mom as she rested her hand in his hair. “That sounds wonderful, Alex.”

* * *

Timmy’s parents didn’t have a problem with their son joining Alex’s family for a church service, so Sunday morning came and found two excited five year olds chattering in the backseat. 

“So what do you do there?” Timmy asked. 

“We listen to the stories and then we have lots of snacks!” Alex responded enthusiastically. 

“I love snacks! What do you have?”

“Well, there’s graham crackers and…”

And so the conversation went, jumping back and forth between all different topics. Before the boys knew it, they were pulling up in front of the church. 

Alex leapt out of his seat, pulling Timmy with him. “C’mon, c’mon!” he shouted excitedly. The blond boy dragged his friend down the stairs and into the children’s room. 

“Pastor Rob!” he called. “Pastor Rob, come meet my friend!”

The pastor had barely stood up from his chair when Alex came barreling towards him. “Whoa, hey there Alex! What’s your friend’s name?”

“This is Timmy! He’s in my class at school!”

Pastor Rob bent down so he could be eye level with the two children. “Well hello there Timmy. How are you?”

“I’m good. I can’t wait for it to start! Alex said you guys read the coolest stories and have amazing snacks!”

Rob chuckled, standing up as he said, “Well, our snacks are pretty good, if I do say so myself. Why don’t you boys go take a seat in our circle over there?”

“Thank you, Pastor Rob!” Alex shouted as he dragged his friend over to the circle of chairs. “C’mon Timmy, it’s going to start soon!”

Sure enough, Pastor Rob joined the circle of children after a few more minutes. “Good morning, everyone!” he said brightly. “We have a few new faces here today, so can we start by going around and saying our names? I’ll start. My name is Pastor Rob, and I’m in charge of you guys for right now.” This elected a dew giggles from the surrounding children. “Your turn, sweetheart.” he said to the little girl on his left. 

Alex waited very patiently until it came to his turn. “My name is Alex,” he said proudly. “And this is my friend Timmy! He’s in my class at school!” Timmy waved enthusiastically at the other kids. 

When they finished going around the circle, Pastor Rob pulled out his Bible. “Today,” he said to the kids. “We’re going to be reading the story of Moses. Does anyone remember one thing that he did?”

Alex waved his hand in the air, but sank down dejectedly in his chair as another little girl was called on. 

“He made the sea split in half!” the little girl, Olivia, answered. 

“Very good! Here’s what the Bible says about it: ‘Then Moses stretched out his hand over the sea, and all that night the Lord drove the sea back…’”

Alex listened with rapt attention as his teacher read the story, though he couldn’t fail to notice that Timmy didn’t seem very interested in the story. Why not? It was a really cool story, Alex couldn’t imagine seeing the ocean split in half in front of him!

Though it was hard, Alex managed to ignore Timmy’s squirming for the rest for story time. When they got up for a snack though, Alex couldn’t help but ask, “Are you okay?”

Timmy looked at him. “Yeah, why?”

“You were moving around a lot back there.”

“Oh, I was just bored.”

Alex couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “Bored? But it’s such a cool story! It would be so cool to see that in real life! I wish I had been there to see it!”

“Yeah,” Timmy agreed. “But there were a lot of big words I didn’t know.”

Alex deflated. His friend wasn’t very excited to be learning about this. Didn’t Pastor Rob say that learning about God made people happy? He was confused, why wasn’t Timmy enjoying it?

Alex remained quiet during the rest of the service, letting Timmy talk about the new action figure he had just gotten. 

After dropping Timmy off at his house, Alex’s mother turned to him. “Did you have fun, Alex?”

Alex nodded, not feeling like talking at the moment. He had been so excited to share his church with Timmy, but he’d gotten bored!

“Alex,” his mom said, and Alex grudgingly turned to look at her. “Is everything okay?”

Alex felt tears welling up in his eyes. “Timmy was bored!” he cried. “I-I thought we would have fun, but h-he got bored!” Alex’s mom shared a look with his father before reaching back to take his hand. 

“I know, honey. I’m so sorry, I know you were so excited to share this with him. But hey, you tried to share God’s love with him, and I am so proud of you for that!”

Alex nodded, swiping at the tears running down his cheeks. His mother continued reassuring him that he’d done good, but Alex swore to himself to never bring another friend to church again.

(A/N: I know Alex's resolution is a little extreme, but hey. He's 5. He's _not_ ashamed of his religion, he's just a little embarrassed that his friend wasn't as excited as he was.)


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I wrote and posted this at 1:30 AM my time. With night comes inspiration, but also typos. Please let me know if you see any!
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Alex is eight years old when he meets Reggie. 

Reggie is the new kid, but that doesn’t stop him from talking to every single kid in their class. Alex watches him from his seat on the other side of the room, and he sees how Reggie’s face falls a little bit every time another kid shoots him down. 

Alex knows what it’s like to be the weird kid, ever since Timmy had gone to school spewing stories about how weird it was that Alex spent his Sunday in a basement. It bothered Alex more than he’d liked to admit, and now all the other kids had him pegged as the one who would be insulted if they said the word ‘heck’. 

So he gathers up his courage and walks over to Reggie’s desk. 

“Hi,” he says nervously, and Reggie’s head shoots up to look at him. “Um. I was wondering if you wanted to, uh, come sit by me?” Alex winces as his voice rises at the end of his sentence, but Reggie’s face lights up. 

“Really?” The other boy asks. “You want to sit next to me?”

Alex nods, his fears erased at the boy’s enthusiasm. “Yeah! It’s really boring at my table, no one likes to talk to me either.”

Reggie starts gathering his supplies and he asks, “Why not? You seem pretty cool.”

Alex panics for a moment, his mind going blank. He can’t tell Reggie, what if he thinks it’s weird? What if he watches his every move in front of Alex like the other kids, because he’s scared Alex will declare him a despicable human being just because Reggie says the wrong thing? 

Alex can’t lose the one chance he has to make a real friend in his class, so he shrugs and lies through his teeth. “I don’t know,” he tells the new boy. “They just think I’m weird.”

“Well, we can be weird together then!” Reggie exclaims. Alex grins at his possible new friend and leads the way back to his table. 

* * *

3rd grade also happens to be the same year Alex’s parents buy him his first drum kit. 

It’s just a cheap little set they probably bought at Walmart, but Alex loves it all the same. Whenever he’s feeling particularly stressed about something, he can just sit down and bang on the drums until he feels better. Which, he thinks, is probably the reason they got it for him. 

His mother tries to get him to pray to God and give up his worries, which Alex does willingly, but sometimes the drums make him feel better, faster. 

Reggie likes messing around on Alex’s drums too, but he’s not as good as Alex is. Sometimes Reggie will sing little bits of songs for Alex to drum along to.

Reggie seems to be coming over more and more, not that Alex or his parents mind. His dad likes to quote, “Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God.”

Alex likes having Reggie over, though he never stays very long, and he’s happy that he asked Reggie to come sit with him in class that day.

* * *

Alex and Reggie have become nearly inseparable by the time they reach 4th grade, and they’re both happy with just each other.

But when Luke Patterson joins their class, sitting by himself in the corner and writing in a notebook, they somehow know they need to talk to him.

They make their way over to him during free time where, as usual, he’s sitting by himself writing in that notebook. 

“Hi!” Reggie says as he plops down on a bean bag across from Luke. “I’m Reggie, and this is Alex!” Alex gives a shy wave as he shoves Reggie over to sit next to him. 

Luke watched them warily over the top of his notebook. “Hi.” he says slowly. Then he promptly ignores them and goes back to writing. 

Reggie isn’t going to let that happen, though. “Whatcha writing in there?” he asks bluntly.

“Reggie!” Alex hisses, elbowing his friend. “That’s none of our business!”

“No, it’s cool.” Luke says, seemingly having deemed them trustworthy. “I write songs in here.”

Alex chuckles as Reggie’s eyes widen in amazement. “That’s so cool! Do you play an instrument?”

“Yeah, guitar. What about you guys?”

“Um, I play drums.” Alex says.

“And I play a mean tambourine.” Reggie adds, and all three boys laugh. 

“Hey,” Luke says. “We should play together sometime!”

“That would be awesome!” Reggie exclaims as Alex nods enthusiastically. 

And just like that, they suddenly have another member in their group.

* * *

Alex’s mom is thrilled that he’s made another friend, and she wastes no time contacting their parents to invite the two boys over for dinner.

The boys spend the evening jamming out in the Mercer’s living room before being called to dinner. As they sit down at the table, Alex automatically reaches for the hand next to him before his heart drops. 

He completely forgot to tell Luke and Reggie that they always pray before dinner. But he can’t say anything now, so he grabs Reggie’s hand on his right and his dad’s on his left, and hopes his friends just go along with it.

“Bless us O Lord, and these thy gifts, which we are about to receive…” As his father begins the prayer, Alex sneaks a look at his friends. Luke seems to have copied everyone else and has his eyes closed, but Reggie’s eyes are wide open, and he’s staring at Alex’s father with fascination. 

Hopefully they won’t think it’s too weird.

After the prayer ends, the rest of the meal goes smoothly. Alex’s mom asks the boys about school and their interests, and his friends answer obediently.

When everyone has finished and cleared their plates, Alex leads his friends back upstairs to his room. 

“Sorry,” he starts nervously, wringing his hands. “I forgot to tell you about the prayer we always say.”

“That’s okay!” Reggie says brightly, and Luke nods along. “Do you really do that every night, though?”

“Yeah.” Alex says hesitantly, but Reggie doesn't seem the slightest bit deterred. 

“Cool! What does it mean, though?”

Alex deflates a little bit as he sees Luke turn away from the conversation, but he focuses on explaining to Reggie what their prayer meant. And Alex is so relieved, he could almost cry. For so long he’d been trying to hide the fact that he’s Christian, when really Reggie was actually pretty curious about it. 

And even though Luke wasn’t that interested in learning more about Alex’s religion, he was still relieved. His friends knew, and they didn’t see him any differently. 

He felt like a giant weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter! I'm not very proud of the ending, but oh well. Luke isn't trying to be rude, but it's Luke. If they're not talking about music, then he's not interested lol. Anyways, let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Sorry I don't have a posting schedule for this fic, I'm just kind of posting chapters as I write them.
> 
> Disclaimer: Guys, I have absolutely zero interest in guys. Trying to write a gay character is really kinda hard. I hope I did okay, let me know if I need to fix anything. I also have never experienced a panic attack before, so please let me know if I wrote anything wrong/offensive and I'll fix it right away.
> 
> tw: the sermon at church has homophobic vibes to it, and Alex's mom is blatantly homophobic. Alex has a panic attack.

When Alex is 13, his parents declare him old enough to sit in the adult service during church. He’s a little disappointed, he enjoyed help out with the younger kids, but he’s also excited. He’s never heard his dad preach before, and he feels grown up sitting in the wooden pews. 

The service starts out with worship, which might be his favorite part so far. Alex mumbles along to the words and drums a beat with his fingers, relishing in the power he feels coursing through the room. 

It’s like what Luke always talks about, how their music connects them with other people. Alex finally understands, he can feel the emotion connecting these people that otherwise would probably never speak to each other.

The worship ends too quickly in Alex’s opinion, but he sits back down with the rest as his dad makes his way up to the platform in front. 

“Good morning, everyone!” he booms, and the church echoes the statement back to him. “What a beautiful morning it is today!” Alex hears a few scattered agreements from around the room, but otherwise people stay silent.

It’s so different from the children’s service, where kids are talking over each other and Pastor Rob is trying to keep them all quiet. All the adults here are sitting quietly with rapt attention, listening to his dad’s message. 

Alex focuses on what his dad is saying, he needs to show his mom that he’s ready to stay in the adult service. 

“Today our reading comes from 1 Corinthians, chapter 6, verses 9 through 11.” He pauses a moment, giving people a chance to find the verse in their Bibles. 

“It says, 

‘Or do you not know that wrongdoers will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor men who have sex with men nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.’

“Here,” the pastor continues. “Paul is addressing the problems with the church. There had been fights and rumors circling around, the church was being torn apart by the people’s immorality! And is that not what is happening here today? Are we not ourselves drinking too much, and picking fights with our neighbors?”

He pauses here, and a few people shout out, “Amen!”

“But this last line here,” his dad continues. “This last line is the best part. It says, ‘But you were washed, you were  _ sanctified _ , you were  _ justified  _ in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and by the Spirit of God.’

“No matter our sins, God will always love and forgive us.” There are more ‘amens’ here, and Alex nods along. 

“But there are people out there who don’t know God, who need our help to wash their sins away. There are drunks out there who need our help, there are drug addicts, there are homosexuals.” 

Alex sees his dad’s face scrunch up in disgust at this last word, and he sees people shaking their heads in the audience. 

_ Homosexual? _ Alex wonders. He’s about to ask his mom when his dad starts talking again, so he files it away to ask about later. 

The rest of the sermon goes quickly, and Alex soon finds himself closing his eyes in prayer with the rest of the church.

He really enjoyed listening to his dad’s service, it was almost better than sitting in the basement with all of the kids.

Almost.

* * *

Alex is sitting at the kitchen table finishing his homework when he decides to ask his mom what  _ homosexual  _ means. His mom is chopping up some carrots for dinner and his dad is in the den, so it’s the perfect time. He loves his dad, but the man has a habit of going on a rant about anything he finds immoral. His mom is the better person to ask.

“Hey, mom?” He asks.

“Yes, sweetie?” She says, not looking up from her carrots.

“What does, uh, homosexual mean?”

His mom sets the knife down and turns to look at him. “Where did you hear that word?”

“Um, Dad said it in his sermon today.” He starts tapping his fingers on the table anxiously. “Is it a bad word?”

His mom sighs, and makes her way over to the table. She drops down next to him and places her hands over his. This doesn’t ease his worries, though, and he needs to get his anxious energy out somehow, so his leg starts bouncing under the table. 

“Homosexual is a word for someone who is gay, who’s attracted to the same gender.” His mom says finally. “It’s not a bad word, but it is a sin.”

“Oh.” Alex says in understanding. “Is that why everyone looked upset when dad mentioned it?”

His mom nods. “The Bible tells us that a man laying with another man is wrong. Men were made to be with women, just as women were made to be with men.”

“But, doesn’t God love everyone?” Alex asks, confused. He knows sinning is bad, but he also knows that God can forgive any sin. What makes being gay any different?

“Of course he does, honey.” His mom reassures. “But the Bible says ‘Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman; that is detestable.’”

“But why?” Alex asks, still puzzled. “If God can forgive any other sin, why can’t he forgive someone being gay?”

“Because,” his mom answers. “It’s not just a mistake they make once. It’s a lifestyle they choose to continue living, without shame. It’s just not right, and they seek no forgiveness for their sins.”

Alex thinks this doesn’t sound right, but he nods along anyways. He can sense his mom is growing tired of his questions, and he needs to finish his homework anyways. 

As he lays in bed that night, though, Alex thinks about the conversation. He still doesn’t think his mom is right. God loves everyone, and he can forgive anything. But he knows better than to bring it up again, knows his parents will never see differently.

* * *

Alex is walking down the hallway, half listening to Reggie’s rambling, when he notices Jason Brown drinking at the water fountain.

Reggie seems to disappear as Alex’s eyes linger on the older boy he’s walking past. His first thought is, _ damn those jeans make him look great.  _

Then he realizes what he just thought, and the color drains from his face. 

“Woah man, you alright?” Reggie asks, concerned. 

“Yeah,” Alex gasps out. “Yeah, I just, uh, forgot something in my locker. Be right back.” And he sprints away before Reggie can say anything.

Alex runs the opposite direction from his locker, bursts into the boy’s bathroom and locks the door behind him. He distantly hopes no one is in here, or needs to come in, but the bigger part of his brain is screaming  _ what was that what was that what was that. _

Alex gasps for breath, sliding down to the floor. He cradles his head in his hands, trying to even out his breaths. It doesn’t work very well, but he keeps trying. 

Eventually his breathing steadies again. He has no idea how long it’s been, but he doesn’t really care at the moment. Instead, he’s trying to convince himself he didn’t just check out Jason Brown’s ass. A  _ guy’s  _ ass. 

No, no, he totally wasn’t. He was just.. Admiring his shirt! Yeah, that was it. It didn’t matter that Alex had never shown any interest in girls before, he was just a late bloomer. And if he noticed Jason was more handsome than the other guys in the grade, well, that was just jealousy, right?

Alex takes a deep breath, before tipping his head back and closing his eyes. 

_ Dear God _ , he prays.  _ I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to think that, I don’t know what came over me. I’m sorry, it won’t happen again. Please cast these unholy thoughts from my head and help me focus on the rest of my day at school. Amen. _

Alex opens his eyes and drags himself off the floor. As he steps out of the bathroom, he looks at the clock. Only five minutes left until the end of this period, there’s no point in going to class now. He decides to meet Reggie at his locker, and hopes that his friend won’t ask too many questions.

He’s not sure he has any answers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this was okay! I'm not a pastor by any means, so I have no idea if this is a realistic sermon or not. Let me know what you think!
> 
> Bible verses used: 1 Corinthians 6:9-11; Leviticus 18:22.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! Sorry for the wait! I hope you like this chapter!

“We should start a band!” As the words leave Reggie’s lips, Alex and Luke turn to stare at him. Reggie’s smile droops a bit, and he tries to take it back. “I mean, nevermind, it would take too much time, and-and we don’t-”

Luke cuts him off by grabbing his shoulders and practically shouting, “Reggie, you absolute genius!”

“What? I mean, yeah I know.”

Alex shakes his head fondly at his two best friends. “I can’t believe we never thought of that.” he says. “I mean, we play together all the time. We’ve written whole songs together, and yet we’ve never even thought to make it official.”

“Yeah, well, this is it boys.” Luke says. He holds his hands out for the other two to grab. “I can feel it. This is our destiny. We’ll be famous one day, I swear…”

Alex tunes out Luke’s rambling, and tries to ignore the feel of the guitarist’s hand in his, and the way Luke is smiling at him. 

* * *

Alex has his hands shoved in his pockets as he makes his way down the street. His anxiety has been acting up lately, and he can tell his parents are getting sick of his drumming.

The next best solution was to go for a walk. Usually he wouldn’t be alone, but Reggie wasn’t answering his phone and Luke wasn’t in a position to be caught sneaking out right now.

So, Alex is by himself, making his way downtown. He loves walking past the little shops and restaurants, loves the light and the smells, and the different colored advertisements peeking out the windows. 

His eyes catch on something in a window. It’s a rainbow flag. The store must be new, Alex realizes, because he’s never seen this shop before. He takes a step back to look at the name of the shop posted on the awning: A Different Light Bookstore. There’s another sign in the window claiming to be a ‘safe space’. 

Alex’s curiosity gets the better of him, and he cautiously makes his way inside. 

It’s warm inside the shop, and the walls are lined with shelves filled to the brim with books. 

He’s just standing in the doorway when the woman at the counter says, “Can I help you, sweetie?”

Alex jerks, forgetting he wasn’t alone. “Oh, no, I, uh. I was just looking.”

The woman nods understandingly. “You need help figurin’ it out?” she asks, coming otu from behind the counter. “Been there before. Do you have any idea what you’re looking for?”

Alex stares at her dumbly. “Um, what?”

The woman looks at him skeptically. “You… do know what kind of bookshop this is, don’t you?”

Alex shakes his head mutely. He can see her become a little more guarded as she tells him, “We mostly sell LGBT books here.”

_ LGBT _ . He’s heard that before, in the small amount of research he’s done about-

About homosexuality. 

And all at once, it clicks. He’s standing in a gay bookshop. He can’t be here, what if his friends found out? What if his  _ parents _ found out? 

His hands start shaking as he stumbles back. “I can’t-” he gasps. “I can’t be here. I gotta-gotta go.”

He can feel the woman watching him as he trips his way out of the store. 

His hands don’t stop shaking all the way home. He practically sprints all the way there, and he’s extremely looking forward to curling up in his bed all night.

But as he runs up his driveway, he sees two figures sitting at his front step. It’s Luke and Reggie.

_ Shit _ , he thinks. They were supposed to have band practice today.

He slows to a walk, and his friends stand up to meet him at the door. 

“Alex, where were you, man?” Luke asks. “We were supposed to practice tonight.”

Alex nods, trying to steady his breathing. “I know,” he says hesitantly. “I’m sorry. I, uh, lost track of time.”

Reggie takes his still shaking hands and asks, “You alright, Alex?” He sees Luke zero in on his hands, and tucks them in his sweatshirt pocket.

“Yeah,” he says shakily, then clears his throat. “Yeah, I’m fine. C’mon, it’s not too late to practice.”

He sees Luke and Reggie share a look over his head, but thankfully they follow him inside without saying anything else. 

Their practice is good, and Alex’s hands finally stop shaking as he bangs on his drums. It always calms him down, just being able to tap out a beat and have the others follow along. He loves the music they make, and he wouldn’t give it up for anything. Which is why he’s not going to say anything to them yet. He can’t risk losing them now.

But that night, as he’s curled up in bed, he thinks back to the bookshop. It was a cute little shop, he thought, and it didn’t seem like a place that held books full of sin. 

But that’s what it is, he tells himself. It’s wrong and it shouldn’t be there.

Then why can’t he stop thinking about it?

Alex takes a deep breath to clear his mind, before beginning his nightly prayer.

_ Lord, _ he prays. _ I don’t know what’s happening. Why is that shop there? If homosexuality is a sin, then why have you allowed it to be there? Why did you let me inside? Are Mom and Dad wrong, is being gay not as bad as the Bible says it is? I’m confused, God. I need your guidance.  _ Alex blinks back the tears filling his eyes as he prays,  _ Please help me figure out what’s going on with me. Help me to figure out what You have planned for me. Thank you. Amen. _

* * *

By the time February comes around, Alex knows three things for certain. 

One, their band is going to go places. Luke had been on a songwriting kick, and he’d been churning out some really good songs. Together, they can connect with people through their music. It’s the best feeling. 

Two, Alex definitely does not like girls. It still scares him, but he knows it’s true now. Valentine’s Day is coming up, and Alex has seen at least two different girls making eyes at him. He smiles back at them, and forces a laugh as Luke or Reggie nudge him. But he has no intention of ever asking any girl out. Ever.

And three, he has a sort of tiny, really big crush on one Luke Patterson. It took him a long time, but he finally realized that he thinks of Luke as more than a friend. It took Reggie raving about his latest crush for Alex to realize that hey, that’s exactly how he felt about Luke.

He does his best to ignore it, although Luke doesn’t exactly make it easy. It’s like he’s trying to make Alex trip over his drum set, with his sleeveless shirts and his flyaway hair and his-

In summary, Alex could go on and on about how amazing Luke is. But he doesn’t. He can’t. So instead, he pines from a distance, listening as Luke talks about their music, his latest crush, and their music.

Then one day at lunch, Reggie asks them if they want to meet this other guy he knows. “Yeah, I met him in Algebra this year. He said he can play rhythm guitar.”

“Oh he  _ said _ , did he.” Luke snipes. “We don’t need another person! We’re amazing with just the three of us!”

Reggie looks put out, and Luke softens. “I’m just saying, we don’t need another guy. He won’t get us.”

“It wouldn’t hurt to try,” Alex says. “I mean, you never know, Luke. He could be amazing. Let’s at least give him an audition.”

Luke glares at the table for a moment before conceding. “Fine.” he says. “But if he can’t keep up, he’s out.”

Turns out, Bobby could keep up. He had a great ear for music, and he had no trouble keeping up with the challenges Luke threw at him. At the end of the audition, even Luke was grudgingly impressed. 

So their band of three became four, and as they grew to know Bobby better, he was invited to their outside-of-band hangouts. He fit right into their group, the piece none of them knew they were missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Different Light Bookstore was a real shop in LA, although it was in the Santa Monica area so I changed it for the sake of the story. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> holyyyy crap guys i cannot believe it's been a month since i updated this. i am so, so sorry for the long wait! i don't really have a good excuse, except for that time has seriously been flying by and this chapter just wasn't flowing. but inspiration finally struck last night, and i've been writing this chapter for the past two days. i'm (hopefully) going to be better about updating, though!
> 
> i hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> tw: alex's dad uses the f slur, and alex has a minor panic attack

Alex is sixteen, and he knows three things for sure. 

One, he loves his band with all his heart. He’s not sure what he would do without them, without their constant support even when he can’t tell them what’s wrong. He loves Luke, with his love of music and his connection with people. He loves Reggie, with his big heart and obsession with country music. He loves Bobby, with his bordering-on-mean comments, and his constant devotion to the band.

Two, he’s gay. Alex knows that for a fact. It terrifies him sometimes, but he’s come to accept it as just another fact about himself. 

And three, He still loves God. Still follows Him, prays to Him, willingly goes to church. He’s just not sure God still loves him.

And a part of Alex is mad at God. He knows it’s wrong, knows that He is an all loving father, but it doesn’t always feel that way. He knows that God made him gay, but almost every single religion Alex knows of, including his own, preaches strongly against homosexuality. 

Alex feels like God is testing him every step of the way, but there’s no right answer. 

That’s why he’s standing outside of that bookshop again.  _ A Different Light _ , the awning still reads. Nothing about the shop has changed, but Alex knows something is different. He’s here on purpose, knowing what lays inside of the doors.

It feels like a sin, being here, but Alex figures he can’t do much worse than being gay. At least, that seems to be the opinion of his father.

Hearing his father talk to the television that the AIDS epidemic is a teaching people a lesson, that  _ this is what you get, you fags _ .

Forcing the echoes of his father’s voice out of his head, Alex steps into the bookshop. 

Just like the outside, everything inside the shop looks the same. 

But Alex himself has changed. He’s not hunched down out of shame, but rather fear of being recognized. He’s not shying away from the book titles that openly proclaim  _ gay _ and  _ queer,  _ but looking through them in genuine interest. 

Not finding any books that really catch his eye, Alex finds himself in front of a display filled with CDs and cassette tapes. The bands are all ones he’s never heard of, but one catches his eye. It’s a band called Pansy Division. Alex smiles to himself, laughing at how out there the name is, and picks up the tape. 

He has enough money in his fanny pack to buy the tape, but he hesitates. What if his parents find it? What if his friends find it? What will they think?

After minutes of consideration, Alex brings the tape up to the counter. He keeps his head down as the cashier reads out the price, doesn’t look up as he leaves the shop, but he feels different. Feels more free, like he broke down that last wall of resistance inside him. 

He can’t help but grin, feeling the free-ness bubbling up inside of his chest like bubbles. 

But the bubbles pop as he rams into someone on the sidewalk. 

“Oh, sorry,” Alex says, but then freezes. 

It’s Pastor Rob. His heart drops, and he shoves his bag behind his back. “I, uh, I wasn’t-I just-” he stutters, his hands start shaking and he braces himself for the slurs to come. 

Instead, he feels a hand on his shoulder. “Alex,” comes the kind voice of the children’s minister. “Alex, it’s okay.”

Alex shakes his head, backing away. He can tell his hands are shaking and his breath is coming out in shallow gasps. As he hits the brick wall of the bookshop, he slides to the ground. Closing his eyes, Alex tries to focus on steadying his breathing. 

He taps out a beat on his leg, breathing in and out with each beat. When he finally has his breath under control, he opens his eyes, only to find the pastor sitting right in front of him. 

“Are you okay now?” Rob asks, concern written all over his face. 

Alex nods shakily, grateful that the sidewalk is empty for now. “Thanks. Sorry. I, uh, I wasn’t-I’m not…” Alex trails off, not sure how can explain being in a bookshop that sells books like that. 

Coming up blank, Alex just hangs his head. 

“Alex, you don’t have to explain anything to me, I get it. Who am I to judge, right? That isn’t my job, it’s God’s.”

Alex looks up from under his bangs, not believing what he’s hearing. 

“Doesn’t the Bible say, ‘ Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love’? It doesn’t matter who you love, Alex. And it’s certainly not my place to tell you what’s what.”

Alex just nods, stunned into silence. 

“Alright, good talk.” Pastor Rob pats his arm, standing up. “Come find me if you ever need someone to talk to, okay?”

Alex nods again, and his childhood pastor walks away. 

Alex is in a daze the whole way back to his house. He still can’t believe it. Pastor Rob-who worked for the church, worked for  _ God _ -just told him that it’s okay that he’s gay. Told him that God still loves him. 

And Alex can believe it. It’s exactly what he needed to hear, and he knows that God sent Pastor Rob to him, that He knew exactly what Alex needed. 

He’s in bed when he closes his eyes in prayer. And just like at the store, something feels different. He feels like he’s talking to God, and this time he knows God is listening. 

_ Thank you, _ he prays.  _ Just... thank you. _

* * *

Alex has the house to himself for the weekend, his parents off at a retreat somewhere, so he invites the guys over. 

Only Reggie can accept, with Luke being grounded (again) and Bobby out on a date, but that’s okay. In the beginning, it was just Alex and Reggie. Sometimes it’s nice to have some one-on-one time with the bassist. 

They screw around all evening, dancing wildly to songs his parents would never let him listen to, and order an insane amount of pizza for dinner. They eat all of it, too.

Alex doesn’t know what it is, but something feels different. He’s been feeling like that a lot lately, ever since that day at the bookshop. 

Maybe that’s what makes him pause the music and ask, “Hey, Reg?”

The bassist stops spinning wildly, but he’s still swaying to the phantom beat of the song. “Yeah?”

Alex takes a deep breath. He should be nervous, and he is, but it’s not as bad as he thought it would be. He thought his heart would be climbing up his throat, keeping him from choking out the words. Instead, all he has is mild butterflies. 

He knows deep down that Reggie won’t have a problem with his sexuality. And there’s something inside him whispering,  _ tell him. tell him. _

So, he does. 

“I’m gay,” he says. 

Reggie stops completely. “Oh,” he says, and the butterflies in Alex’s stomach flutter up. But then his friend continues. 

“Was I not supposed to know that?”

Alex lets his worries out in a breathy laugh. “What?” he asks, completely blindsided. 

“I just thought it was one of those things we don’t talk about. I mean, come on. I’ve seen the way you look at guys. At Luke,” he adds with a wink, laughing when Alex’s face turns bright red. “You never talk about girls,” Reggie continues. “And you always name someone random when Luke is egging you on.”

Alex laughs again, this time a little louder, but then his breath hitches. Is he that obvious? What if his parents know? What if the church finds out?

Reggie must sense some of his anxiety, because he leads them over to the couch. Leaning on Alex’s shoulder, Reggie tries to reassure him. “If it makes you feel any better, I don’t think anyone else knows. The other guys are completely oblivious. I’m just really good at picking up the little things.”

Alex’s heart sinks a little at that comment. He knows his friend has had to learn to read the emotions of people in the room, knows that Reggie has become very skilled at sensing when conflict is going to occur. 

So he leans his head against Reggie’s in silent support, and they sit in comfortable silence. 

“You know,” Reggie says, breaking the quiet. “The others wouldn’t have a problem with it.”

“I know,” Alex says. “It’s just hard working up the nerve to tell them. I know they won’t care, but for some reason it’s just so hard to say it.”

“If you want me to be there with you when you tell them, just say the word.”

“Thanks, Reg.”

“Of course. Now, come on!” The bassist stands up, tugging at Alex’s arm. “You still owe me at least one dance.

Later, when they’re both dead tired and getting ready for bed, Alex goes to the linen closet to grab his family’s air mattress. 

He lugs it back to his room, where Reggie looks at him in confusion. “What’s that for?” the bassist asks. 

“Oh,” Alex says. “I figured you would want to sleep on here. It’s probably weird sleeping in the same bed now that…”

Alex trails off at the look Reggie is giving him. Making sure Alex’s eyes stay on him, Reggie flops dramatically on the bed. 

“I’m wounded, Alex. Truly wounded.” Reggie cries. “How dare you deny me the cuddles I have earned.”

Alex laughs and sits gingerly on the side of the bed. “Are you sure?”

In response, Reggie throws himself on top of Alex. The drummer flops backwards with an ‘oomph’, Reggie squirming until he’s tucked under Alex’s arm.

There, laying in bed with Reggie tucked under his arm, Alex silently thanks God for his amazing friends. 

* * *

Alex decides to come out to Luke and Bobby at band rehearsal the next day. 

The guys are tuning their guitars while Alex is spinning a drumstick in his hand, and he decides to just say it.

“Guys,” he says, getting their attention. “I’m gay.”

There’s a moment of silence before Luke is practically throwing his guitar on its stand to get to Alex. The lead guitarist throws his arms around Alex, and whispers, “Thank you for telling us. We love you, ‘Lex.”

Alex hugs Luke back, and he feels Bobby’s hand resting on his shoulder. 

“Aw, guys.” Reggie says, pretending to sniffle. “You’re gonna make me cry!” The bassist throws his arms around all three of them, smushing them all into a group hug.

They decide to drop band rehearsal, spending the time jamming out to their favorite songs. Afterwards, when they’re all sweaty and squeezed onto the tiny couch, Luke brings it up.

“So, what does this mean with, like, your religion and everything?”

Alex almost cries right there; Luke remembering and acknowledging the fact that he’s Christian means the world to him. 

“I’ve come to terms with it,” Alex explains. “I know that I love God, and God loves me. That’s enough for me.”

Luke squeezes his arm and says, “Good, I’m happy for you.”

Alex leans into his friend, deciding to screw with them for a moment. “Although, I did run into my old youth minister outside of a gay bookshop that I was in.”

As all three of his friends yell some variation of “what?!”, Alex just throws his head back and laughs. 

He’s happy. 

He didn’t realize how miserable he’s been, feeling like he has to hide this part of himself from his family. But now, with the knowledge that he’s accepted and loved by both his family and God, he’s truly happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> for those of you who have stuck with me, thank you so much! your support means everything to me. tell me what you think of this chapter!!

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you think!


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